Since I went ahead and let the cat out of the bag regarding our struggle with infertility a few weeks back, I figure I might as well continue to write about our journey.
It was really great to read everyone's comments. And equally helpful to put into writing a lot of what I've been thinking and feeling. I was also able to make a pretty significant decision which I'll go into more detail about at the end of this post.
Thus far, we've attempted IUI (inter uterine insemination) three times. The most recent time I pressed my doctor to be more aggressive, telling him that we'd be fine with multiples if it meant that we got pregnant. He reluctantly allowed me to increase my dosage of medication and I ended up with three mature follicles, which ended up not even being enough.
This most recent attempt was really frustrating: I was convinced that it had worked. After the procedure, the toughest part is waiting the two weeks before you can take a pregnancy test, but this time the two weeks just flew by because I was so sure that I'd be getting good news.
The next step is probably IVF (in vitro fertilization). My doctor has scheduled me for a hysterosalpingogram next week. I've tried to envision circumstances where we wouldn't proceed to IVF and honestly I can't think of any: if the test shows a problem, that means IUI will probably never work and if the test shows no problem, we've already tried IUI three times and the odds are that it should have worked by now, especially with us stepping up my medication dosage this past go round.
In any event, we're losing a month, which is frustrating. Back in August, I thought we'd have a baby by April and now a best case scenario is by April, I won't even be into my second trimester. Two years ago, I envisioned telling my family at Christmas that we were pregnant. Then I reluctantly acknowledged that perhaps it would be this past Christmas that we'd have good news for our family. Now we're less than three weeks into 2011 and I'm starting to worry that if we don't have some success soon, I might be looking at not having a baby until 2012.
Which is irrational...I know that. Like I said, we're three weeks into 2011. There's no need to discount the entire year already, but in my mind, I'm already starting to think that way.
When I spoke to the nurse on Friday, and she confirmed that the last attempt had not worked, I asked to speak to the clinic's on site psychologist. She's not currently taking patients, but she recommended another local psychologist who was. They both specialize in working with women and couples dealing with infertility.
Husband had suggested that I look into seeing someone several weeks back. All my life I've been someone who succeeds when I've set out to accomplish something and now there's this relatively simple yet monumental thing that I just can't seem to get right. I think about how Husband would have kids already if he was married to someone else. And I glare at my clients who seem to get pregnant at the drop of a hat only to have the baby promptly taken away.
I don't think my line of work helps matters much. Every day from 9am-5pm, I'm surrounded by children and parents having children, losing children, and children being returned home after years in foster care. I wake up in the morning and think of what's in store for me at my office.
And I don't want to go.
Recently my sister-in-law had ankle surgery. She's been on a variation of bed rest for the last few weeks. I told Husband that sounded pretty good to me.
Husband tells me that I don't have to work through a pregnancy and if I want, I can quit whenever.
To do what? I asked him. Be a stay-at-home-Kathleen?
So in an effort to actually make going to work, to a job that I formerly loved, bearable, I'm meeting with this psychologist for the first time on Tuesday morning.
We'll see how it goes.
In any event, we're losing this month. Between doing the histerosalpingogram and attending an IVF training session, it's going to be mid-February before we can attempt anything, IVF or otherwise.
Hopefully I can take that time to take care of myself. I'm not doing anybody any favors by being an emotional mess throughout this process.
I really do appreciate everyone's support and comments. It helps to know that I'm not the only person out there going through this and honestly, it's beginning to amaze me that anyone manages to get pregnant since it seems like everyone has some story to share. I don't intend to post every aspect of our journey here, but I can certainly share the big decisions and milestones.
And in an attempt to not make this post a total bummer, I'll leave you with one thing I found today that did make me smile: a performance of Brent Spiner, best known as Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation, and Chita Rivera, of too many Broadway shows to name, singing An English Teacher and Rosie from one of my all time favorite musicals Bye Bye Birdie.